behind

yes. i am aware.
fully aware. and saddened.
at the current state of this blog.

i tried to rationalize and say, 'oh but i posted pictures'
but those were in march and even that is now months away.

so sad news.
but i've been writing, working really hard at writing, my dissertation.
and while i'm proud to say that in draft form i have a bit more than 1/3 of it written, it's been over taking my life.
seriously. and not so much in a positive way.

i hit walls often.
yesterday i hit many walls. and the gym break and the food breaks and the snack break and the world cup break and the tv break, well they all helped, but they weren't enough to give me the strength to actually get down to finishing my literature review.

it's huge. it's overtaking everything. and i fear it will never be complete. i mean sure in that existential way it won't be complete - ever- because i won't know all of the research and there will always be tangents and things to follow up with. but that's not what i mean. i mean in a very much more real, literal sense, i feel as though there is some sort of demon playing with me, in a taunting way saying something like 'haha, you keep trying, but you will never finish.'

i hope to beat that demon though. i thought i would tonight. and then i remembered we were having a flat dinner. so it's now two hours later and i've just returned to my half packed suitcase. and that's the other problem. who thought scheduling dissertations was smart for summer. it's summer. it's finally warm (well it's supposed to be at least, perhaps england should get the memo). and i want to travel. and in fact i am travelling. for tomorrow i get to go to barcelona. all fine and wonderful from the social side of my brain. not so much from the academic and concerned side of my brain that is worried about my dissertation. because according to that time plan, i'm behind. but that plan was far too ambitious. i've made adjustments already, and i guess i'll be making some more.

so that's that. that's where my words are going-- to the lit review fairy...or demon....or something.
i'd promise i'll be better upon my return, but it'll come down to the words again.
well i suppose if nothing else, i'll promise to add the pictures. that's a better, more realistic plan.
yes. i'll do that.

but at the same time, when i return it'll still be world cup time AND wimbledon time. and i live next to wimbledon. hopefully i'll still get to go because when i get back it'll towards the end of the tournament.

alright back to finishing packing. because that's an achievable goal for the evening.
brilliant.