tuesday: the debacle that was class

(and why it made me angry)

tuesday's "special session" was supposed to be devoted to song sharing. this was spearheaded by me and i made sure to email people and put together a list of all of our songs to share. i got danny to bring his speakers and emily brought her laptop so that we could play our songs however we needed to.

i envisioned this as us just popping in and out ipods to share songs. we all made lists of 10-12 songs and i figured we'd round robin share a few.

however, alex had a different idea once he decided to stay, which i didnt really care about until i shared a song first and then he was really (i can't think of a good description word other than mean) mean about why i chose the song. so he was all mean about it asking me why i chose it and then didnt accept my answer and then told me if i was going to be a music psychologist now i'd have to come up with something more. like he would ask me why and i would answer and then he wouldn't accept it and rag on something else. and then posed the question if i could remember the first song i ever heard, which i couldn't. but jason could and so that just meant that i was even less since i couldn't. and then my answers weren't good enough again.
and i just kind of wanted to scream at him.

and so i totally dont feel safe or able to learn around him. and i was the first to share. and then emily shared and he kind of did the same thing. but then didnt with other people. and with jason, the composer of our group, he was so different because he was praised. the contrast between that treatment was incredible.

so then we only got to share one song each which i dont think is a fair representation of our favorite songs or tastes. and after just doing one i was put on edge. and then he sits there and makes comments of how he knows more about us now. and i'm not going to dispute that but like there's more to me than that. and i feel like he now doesnt think i have any musical knowledge or background or worth.

after discussing it with brittany and stephanie, i figured it was really about my choice of a popular song rather than avant garde or classical. and further it was because my meaning of it was constructed extra-musically with a referentialist viewpoint instead of an absolutist view point. but this is not fair. at all.

later in the evening, brittany shared that she would choose a dmb cd to take to a desert island and david reacted noting the similarity to my choice. i just wish brittany would have been there in the afternoon. when i spoke with her on wednesday to vent about it, i was super glad that she understood it but alex wasn't there in the evening.

the whole thing was just terrible. and we didn't even get to share more than one song. which was the whole point. not to analyze but share. just share.